1. Don’t post a status that really should be a private message, because frankly no one else cares to read it. “Hey, Jenny, I’ll pick you up at 7 after I wax my eyebrows.”
2. Don’t post incomplete potentially upsetting statements. It is rather arrogant and your Facebook friends will not appreciate this kind of mystery, unless your intention is to upset everyone.  “The worst news ever! Please, please pray for me!”
3. Good Lord, don’t preach your religious views. This needs no explanation. Amen.
4. DO NOT WRITE IN ALL CAPS! IT IS DIFFICULT TO READ AND OBNOXIOUS TO BOOT.
5. Spare us your boring life details; I can assure you that no one cares or needs to know. “OMG! I peed three times in fifteen minutes after drinking a huge glass of iced tea!”
6. Don’t post inappropriate or embarrassing photos of your children. It is disrespectful, and your kids will grow up and not come home for Christmas.
7. Don’t be an excessive poster. 25 posts in one day is a little much, don’t you think? It makes a statement, “It’s all about me.”
8. Keep your political views to yourself, because no matter what you say, you will offend someone out there. And I can assure you that some people will think you are brilliant and others will think you are an idiot.
9. If you post a link, it better be good, not tortuously long, and that darn link better work when your friends click on it.
10. Don’t post a quote from a song, person or movie without quotation marks and without credit for the originator. Give credit where credit is due.
11. It is fine to celebrate your achievements or those of your children, but please do not shove it down your friends’ throats in a competitive manner. If you do, you will be secretly despised. “Michael hit 5 home runs in the game tonight, and he’s been deemed too advanced for this age league now.”
12. Don’t try to friend people your friends are friends with if you have no connection to them. It’s a bit stalky.
13. Don’t excessively push your business on your Facebook account, thus the term “social” networking. Create a separate page for that.
14. If you are dating someone and decide to post a relationship status, remember that should that status change, everyone will see it. Do you want everyone to know and ask you about it? “So sorry you were dumped. Wow, that sure did not last very long. Are you okay?”
15. Don’t post anything you’ll regret, because you may not be able to permanently remove it. That’s why it is not a good idea to use Facebook when you are under the influence of anything other than a glass of water.

Half of a Heart

Without you I’d have

Only half of a heart.

For that very reason

We must not ever part.

You solve my problems.

You right my wrongs.

You kill rats in the attic.

You sing me songs.

You take out the garbage

(When I remind you to do so.)

You pick up poop in the yard.

It’s okay that you can’t sew.

You let me beat you at Scrabble.

You accept all my quirks.

You’re not like other husbands

Who are nothing but jerks.

You make me laugh ‘til I cry.

You make me smile ear to ear.

You protect me from harm.

And you squelch all my fears.

I couldn’t have dreamt up

A better Valentine than you.

Honey you’ve got what it takes

Never bid me adieu.

For without you

I’d have only half of a heart.

For that very reason

We must not ever part.

1

I was at an antique show today and there was a dealer who had paintings I was looking at. He asked me, “Do you like these paintings? They are all from one local artist”

And I replied, “Actually, to be perfectly honest, I do not. I was just shocked they were on display because I really can’t imagine anyone thinking these are good.” They looked like a 4-year-old painted them.

“If you knew his life story, you’d want to buy all of these paintings,” said the dealer.

“His story may be fascinating,” I said, “But nothing could make me think this artist has talent.” I didn’t even feel bad for being brutally honest.

2

“Excuse me, is that a dog you’re walking?” a stranger asked me as I was strolling along with my giant standard poodle, Darwin.

“Of course it is,” I replied.

“I think you must be mistaken,” said the stranger. “That ain’t no dog. It is a M – - – - – - F – - – -ing  brown pony with curly hair.”

3

A woman at the grocery store was looking at the display of donuts in the bakery. A worker asked her, “Can I get you something? A donut or a pastry perhaps?”

“Only if you have a magic pill I can take so those goodies don’t settle into my ass.”

4

1. Off and Of  – Wrong: “Please get of off my foot,” she said to her dog. Correct: “Please get off of my foot,” she said to her dog.
2. There, Their and They’re – Wrong: There going to take they’re turn over their. They’re going to take their turn over there.
3. Than, Then - Wrong: Than tell me what you want. Correct: Then tell me what you want.
4. Two, To and Too -  Wrong: I am to tired two sit through too movies! Correct: I am too tired to sit through two movies!
5. Who’s, Whose – Wrong: Whose going to tell me who’s got my keys? Correct: Who’s going to tell me whose got my keys.

www.pppst.com/clipart.html

• A stick in the mud.
• At the end of the day.
• Beat around the bush.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
• Been there, done that.
• Can’t see the forest for the trees.
• Can’t tell your ass from your elbow.
• Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
• Don’t put the cart before the horse.
• Easy come, easy go.
• Feast or famine.
• From soup to nuts.
• Grows like a weed.
• He bought the farm.
• Hotter than hell.
• I have an axe to grind.
• If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
• If it’s not one thing, it’s another.
• It’s a dog-eat-dog world.
• It’s a drop in the bucket.
• It’s me, not you.
• It’s not rocket science.
• It’s sink or swim.
• Like two peas in a pod.
• Living from hand to mouth.
• Location. Location. Location.
• Looking for a needle in the haystack.
• Love has no boundaries.
• Measure once, cut twice.
• Money does not grow on trees.
• Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.
• Never say never.
• Not my cup of tea.
• Once in a blue moon.
• One bad apple doesn’t spoil the whole bunch.
• One day at a time.
• Plain as day.
• Poor as a church mouse.
• Reap what you sow.
• She’s the cream of the crop.
• Sight for sore eyes.
• Slow as molasses.
• Sly as a fox.
• Step up to the plate.
• Strong as an ox.
• Sweet as honey.
• Talk the talk and walk the walk.
• The apple never falls far from the tree.
• The ball’s in your court.
• The best things in life are free.
• The check is in the mail.
• The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
• There’s no place like home.
• They lived happily ever after.
• Timing is everything.
• To be perfectly honest.
• Water under the bridge.
• We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
• When it rains, it pours.
• Why buy the cow when the milk is free?
• With all due respect.
• You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
• You never know what ya got until it’s gone.

Don’t:

1. Don’t send a card with no letter, no photo and just sign it. If you don’t take the time to write something or send a photo, you are wasting the price of the card and the stamp. Your friends and family want to know what you’ve been up to.
2. Don’t send a card with microscopic photos on it. I just had to use a magnifying glass to try to see photos on a card. Your family and friends would appreciate one full sized photo rather than numerous puny ones.
3. Don’t use photos that are blurry or too busy.
4. Don’t rant about visiting distant family members or friends that your recipients don’t know or care about.
5. Don’t be boring! No one wants to hear about your toilet repair project or how you just got your oil changed.
6. Don’t be negative.  The Christmas newsletter is not the place for horrific news. “Merry Depressing Christmas!!!”
7. Don’t send a letter riddled with typos and misspellings. Have a friend, who knows how to write, proofread it for you.
8. Don’t brag about yourself or your children.
9. Don’t write too much. Brevity is a good thing, especially if you are not all that interesting of a writer.
10. Don’t use a font that is too small or too hard to read.

Are you kidding me?

Not only did she park so I could not get a space, AND ignore me, but she also parked in 10 Minute Parking where many old people pick up dry cleaning.  I don’t think she can eat sushi in 10 minutes or less.

How rude is that?

The only positive aspect of this nasty action is that she inspired me to write. I think there’s a short story in there somewhere about a woman who parked so another could not, ignored a request to straighten her car, went into a sushi restaurant, ate a huge plate of raw fish and got a nasty case of food poisoning. The end.