I had an epiphany this week. I realized that I am just as grateful for the things I am not and do not have as I am for the things I am and do have. This may sound confusing, but stay with me here.

This is NOT me! Yeah!

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I’m not really a big TV watcher, but occasionally I turn it on. Have you ever watched Inside American Jail on Tru TV? I watched several back to back episodes last Sunday, and I can tell you that I am now so grateful that I am NOT in prison! After 3 hours of watching that I danced around my house and back yard repeatedly chanting, “I’m NOT in prison! I’m free!” Today is Thursday, and I am still grateful that I am NOT in prison! What a fabulous feeling that is!

Here’s another reason how TV helped me feel more grateful. I was watching the Kardashians reality show for a few minutes. (I can’t take any more than a few minutes.) I realized how stupid and miserable those people are (even though I realize most of that show is fake), how meaningless that show is, and (even though the money must be nice) I am not a Kardashian! “I am NOT a Kardashian!” I am a happy me! I do not have camera’s in my house, and do not have a house full of whining people who accomplish nothing every day except for getting into other family members’ pathetic business. I do not have a giant butt. NOT being one of them leaves me with gratitude as rich as winning The Powerball.

Yet another way of raising the gratitude bar is to watch the local news for 30 minutes. There is rarely anything positive on there. But instead of letting it bring me down, I simply put myself in the shoes of the less fortunate people being featured. I was NOT stuck in my car on I-95 when it was shut down for 3 hours one night this week! I was home safe and sound! “I was NOT stuck on the highway for hours!” How liberating.

So you see, you can be just as happy about the things you are NOT as they things you ARE. If you are feeling down, imagine what it is like to be incarcerated in a filthy prison for life. Then when you think about how you are NOT in prison, you have to feel pure joy. It’s just that simple.

I am bewildered by the TV show Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel. Host Adam Richman goes to the greasiest restaurants he can find and is challenged to eat massive quantities of artery-clogging, heart attack slop within a certain time frame. Have you seen this show? What happens when this guy goes to the doctor and gets a blood test? How is he feeling on a daily basis? How can a person have this unhealthy of a job?

At this moment, Adam is about to eat bacon-wrapped Tater tots. He just finished a 4 patty burger with a bucket of cheese sauce that was stacked at least 9 inches high, with a big pile of fries on the side. Oh, wait a minute, he’s shoving fried chicken into his face.

Next up is a fried chicken, fried cheese, fried bacon, fried beef sandwich. I’m not kidding.

I am totally grossed out.

Oh, now he is watching a guy make a pizza with a sweet potato crust, 3 layers of cheese and 3 layers of corned beef – topped with cheese.

I just changed the channel.

Don’t forget to watch the Twilight Zone Marathon on the Sci Fi Channel today. The Zone is my favorite TV show of all time! I am watching as I am cooking dinner for 40 people tonight!

What is the most memorable lesson a teacher has ever taught you? One that you’ve used many times in your life? I am not talking about your 1st grade teacher who handed you “Dick and Jane” and then you began reading. I am referring to, well a life changing lesson, be it academic or otherwise.

I often think about a college professor I had at FSU. I am embarrassed to admit that I have no recollection of his name. But his words have stayed with me for well over 20 years. The students in my Short Story Writing Class received some exceptional writing direction when it came to character development. One day he said of my story, “You’ve got potential here, but I don’t know enough about your lead character. I mean, does this grumpy guy demand that his wife toasts his English muffins twice in the morning? And then does he make certain that the butter gets into every crevice of the English muffin’s craters before gobbling it up with his ill-fitting dentures and making a mess of crumbs all over the kitchen floor that his wife – not he- cleans up? These are things I need to know as a reader.”

For some reason, with this example, everything suddenly clicked. I realized I had been using characters in my stories without really developing them fully. I was describing with adjectives more than I was bringing them to life with specifics. So every time I write about a person (or millipede), I think about what I like to refer to as ‘The English Muffin Test.” What little quirky habits does this character have? What is her favorite novel? What strange habits might he have? And so on.

When I am asked to read what others have written, I often pass on the English Muffin Test to make my point. Yes, this does generate some puzzled looks, but on occasion I see an expression of “I get it now!” on the writer’s face.

I am forever grateful for the professor whose name I cannot recall.