Parents with children of different ages talk to me about school. The most common concern among these parents is homework; their children are not self disciplined enough to get the work done on their own.

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The question is, when should you, as a parent stop reminding your child to get his homework done and when should stop helping him actually do it? I asked this question of 1st-3rd grade Montessori teacher, Rachel Pulido, who has more than 30 years of teaching experience.  “By third grade, an average student should be able to do her homework on her own, without being reminded. It’s normal for parents to want to step in, but it is better if children in third grade and higher suffer the consequences of not getting their work done. Otherwise they will not learn to be independent and self motivated.”

This is great advice. While it may be upsetting for parents to watch a child’s grade slump, this is the best way for the student to learn self discipline.”Middle school students should be completely self sufficient about managing their assignments. It’s fine for them to ask for help at times, but they should not be guided by their parents or reminded about deadlines.”

As far as children with learning disabilities, Ms. Pulido said, “This is a different story. No matter what the age of the child, you will have to be more involved. If not, the student may disconnect and lose interest, because the work may be too overwhelming.”

Not long ago, I watched a news segment about a healthy, normal 6th grade boy, who severely lacked confidence. It turned out that his mother was obsessed with him getting everything correct on his homework and excelling on all his tests. She laid out his work on the dining room table, sat him down and watched and pointed as he filled in worksheets. She checked every answer, read his textbooks, quizzed him excessively and called teachers often to ask questions. The stress this created for him was insurmountable. He was afraid to try anything on his own without the approval of his mom, including making the simplest decisions (like what flavor of  ice cream he should order). His well-meaning, yet controlling mother created a helpless, insecure, unhappy child. A counselor worked with her to show her how her controlling actions were detrimental to her son.

While this is an extreme case, it is representative of a common problem. So unless your child has a learning disability, let her face the consequences of slacking off with homework. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries and communicating exactly what your expectations are and what the repercussions will be if her grades start slipping. But rather than doing the work for her, let your child learn the the best way – by making old fashioned mistakes and suffering the consequences.

Being book smart does not make a person a genius. It takes much more than that – creativity for one. Do you know someone who is precise and rigid, yet flat in the creativity department?  This is the sort of person who is excessively organized and gets everything done on her list. She has perfect handwriting. Her grades were perfect in school. Her home is always tidy. She always knows where everything she owns is located.

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This is what I call the “Overachiever.” But she is not a true genius. She is devoid of creativity. She cannot go with the flow; she is inflexible. If her plans change, she is nervous. She needs to have things “just so.”  She is the kind of person you’d want to have as your surgeon, your organizer or your hair stylist. But she would not be a good president of a company, the President of the United States or a teacher.

The Overachiever can be an accomplished musician, playing Chopin flawlessly, exactly the way it was written to be played. But he is not a genius like Chopin because he is a technician, rather than an artist. Don’t get me wrong; the overachiever is to be well respected for his diligence, reliability and commitment to excellence. Who ever said one must be a genius to be respected? There is a lot to be said for doing a job well, and many overachievers are super successful. Yet they are not geniuses.

My own definition of a true “Genius” is one who is well-rounded rather than lopsided. A math whiz with no social skills in my definition, is not a true Genius. A true genius possesses all these factors:

• Has a naturally high IQ
• Is curious about everything
• Is creative
• Is flexible and open-minded
• Has people skills
• Is mature
• Has a sense of humor
• Has the drive to get things done
• Is a non-conformist (and no, this does not mean tattooing and piercing your face)

Possessing all of these factors is rare. How many do you have? How many do your children have? How many people do you know who has all of them?

During my author visits for both elementary and middle school, I talk to students about the importance of reading, and I ask them about things they would not be able to do if they could not read well.  If your child is not so thrilled about reading, there are ways to encourage him without being forceful:

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1. Have that special, comfy place in the house where you read together, with no distractions. Make reading time %100 positive and special.
2. Read a simple, funny book together.
3. When your child is young, don’t concentrate too much on the content. It does not have to be purely educational. Rather it can be entertaining. It is more important that he just finds reading fun.
4. If your child has a hobby or plays a sport, have him read about that or his favorite athlete.
5. Don’t limit reading to books only. Comic books, magazines and old letters might interest a reluctant reader.
6. Start a conversation with your child about a topic she finds interesting. Then check a book out about it from the library. Read it together, taking turns.
7. Let your child see you reading – and enjoying it – often.
8. Tell your kids about your favorite stories growing up, and why you like them so much.
9. Take your child to the library or bookstore for story time.
10. Talk to your child about the benefits of reading. (i.e. entertainment and learning to do so many things.)
11. Ask your (not too young) child to read instructions to you while you are busy with your hands fixing something.
12. Make handmade bookmarks together. It is easy and fun and your kid will want to use it!
13. Find out if there is a Reading Dog program at your child’s school or public library. Kids can read to specially-trained service dogs, and the results can be phenomenal. The dogs love it, and the kids do not feel insecure when they struggle with words.
14. If you suspect your child actually has a reading disability, talk to her teacher and find out how she can be tested for it by the school. Then find out what special programs are available.

Today President Obama spoke to the nation from Wall Street about our financial crisis, undoubtedly the worst since the Great Depression. It is one year since the collapse of Lehman Brothers. The word is that we are making progress, but the economy is nowhere near stable. For the millions out of jobs and losing their homes, there is no sense of stability yet.

Listening to Obama speak made me think about financial responsibility. Our nation did not get into this mess overnight. And no one person or organization is to blame. Families did not lose their homes to foreclosure overnight either. We all know there has been exhaustive discussion in the media regarding just exactly it was that put us in this catastrophic financial mess. Now we need to focus on making significant changes so history does not repeat itself.

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Here’s what I know:

1. Growing up in a middle class family in the 1960s, most kids did not receive nearly the volume and cost of gifts kids receive today-  not even the “rich” kids. At Christmas, there were 1 or 2 gifts for each child.
2. If a child wanted something, he had to work for it.
3. Most people did not live in huge homes like they do today.
4. Many families had only one car. Very few teens had their own cars.
5. Americans did not consume nearly the volume of goods they do today.
6. People were more grateful and seemed happier to me then.

So what happened?

1. We got sucked in by mass marketing efforts.
2. We wanted what others were having.
3. We lost our focus about what is important.
4. We got greedy.
5. We got used to having much more than we need.

So what can we do today to make sure our children do not become a credit crisis statistic when they are young adults?

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1. When they are in elementary school, talk to them about money and how difficult it is to make for most people.
2. Set up some type of a savings plan for your kids from birth.
3. By the middle school years, show them your check book and explain the simple facts about paying bills.
4. Explain how credit cards work and how the interest multiplies when you do not pay off your balance each month.
5. For high school age kids, talk about the basics of our mortgage crisis and how homeowners signed loans they did not fully understand and how their lack of control of spending led them down a destructive path. Tell them about the bad decisions banks made.
6. Be frank with them about the statistics of debt in America. It is easy to find data online.
7. If you are an overspender yourself, show your kids how you are making changes – no matter what their age may be. If your kids see that you buy everything you want when you want it, and you overbuy for them, they will be under the false impression that there are no spending limits.
8. Give your children chores and reward them in small ways when they do their jobs well.
9. Have your children work toward special gifts – a new computer, musical instrument, ipod, etc.
10. Raise your kids to be grateful for what is important. Achieve this two ways: 1) by you being grateful yourself and 2) by you and other family members not spoiling them with gifts and goods.
11. Work as family on downsizing. Less clothing, less gadgets, less shopping, less consuming. Less waste. My saying is that “More should be taken out of your house than is brought in.”
12. Experience the rewards of giving as a family. Rather than buying every member of the family 10 or 20 Christmas gifts, buy 1 or 2 modestly priced gifts and spend some time or money on needy families in your community. You don’t have to wait for the holidays for giving. People need food and clothing year round.
13. Shift the focus of your family from consuming to enjoying the simple things. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money to have a lot of fun together.

There’s that cliche: “The best things in life are free.”

Something we should all consider.

Through experience it has occurred to me that the younger generation is behind the Baby Boomer’s generation when it comes to manners and work ethic. Yes, there are overachievers and drones in every age group as well as those with impeccable manners and those who are greatly lacking in etiquette. But as a children’s book author meeting many children and as a parent of a teenager with friends who come over (clarification – my daughter is grateful, motivated and hard-working and we are not strict), I have noticed that “pleases” and thank-yous” are so rare among other kids that I am totally impressed and grateful when I receive them. There’s something fundamentally wrong with that, isn’t there? If I failed to say thank you or please as a child, my Mom would have lectured me for an hour about manners. And then she would have relectured me the next day. Thank God.

Other observations have to do motivation and work ethic, pure and simple. I have numerous successful friends with kids who have graduated from high school or college and really do not take the initiative to do anything with their lives. No plan, no job, no drive. They are nice kids, but seem to have no ambition, no passion for anything. In Florida there are many teens who do not bother to get their driver’s licenses. Huh, you say? This is not because their parents do not let them or because they do not have a car to use to practice driving. It’s because they are lazy and do not want to bother studying for the test. I cannot think of a single person my age I know who did not get his license the day he turned 16.

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I pose these questions:

1. Does the Baby Boomer generation expect less from their kids than the Baby Boomers’ parents expected from them?
2. Does the increase in cost and quantity of gifts given to kids spoil them by making them think money is easy to come by?
3. What can we do as parents to make sure our kids have the manners, motivation and a work ethic that will ensure a successful, independent future for them?

Here’s what I know:

1. A child’s manners are learned from her parents and should be taught, with kindness, from birth.
2. Children learn by example. If you say please and thank you and write thank-you notes, so will your kids.
3. Motivation comes from within. If kids are handed too many material things and tasks are completed for them, they will not be motivated.
4. Motivation also depends a great deal upon self confidence. A child who is constantly criticized, belittled or scolded will often lack motivation due to fear of failure.
5. Following through with tasks has to do with all three – manners, motivation and work ethic. Returning phone calls, emails, making good on promises and simply finishing what has been started are required for success in work and in life. Kids who not only observe their parents following through, but are also respectfully expected (by their parents) to follow through will be more successful in life.
6. Children learn the value of hard work through reward. They need incentive to put forth an effort. But they should not be rewarded when they do not take action.
7. Kids do not enjoy hearing hardship stories about the days of ol’ in your life, your parents’ or grandparents’ lives. It does not generally motivate, them nor can they relate to them.
8. It is natural for parents to want to give their kids a better life than what they had, but too much is too much. Spoiled children grow up to be unhappy, unproductive adults.

Manners, Motivation, Work Ethic – Does Your Child Have Them?

Do you?

The Library Link of the Day website somehow found the Smart Poodle Librarian Writing Contest (from December) and published a link to my site on Monday, March 16th. That listing brought me 4,200+ hits to my contest page in one day!!!! That’s 4,200+ more librarians who now know about Smart Poodle and Lilly Badilly. I have no idea where the editor of that website heard about us. Thank You Library Link of the Day!

This nice surprise made me realize that no work (to get the word out about your product or service) is ever a waste of time. Everything and everyone is somehow connected, and you never know who is paying attention or who will be listening to  – or reading – an internet, radio, TV, newspaper or journal story about your product or business or who will talk to someone else who talks about you and your business.

I was watching Good Morning America about a month ago, and actor Dustin Hoffman was a guest talking about how difficult the first 10 years were for him as a struggling actor. He talked about how most people incorrectly assume he was an overnight success. He remembers clearly what it was like to struggle those 10 long years, and how each step he took, though small, was a step in the right direction. He recalled about some of the tiny roles he played in the early days and said he was just as dedicated to doing an excellent acting job acting in a 30 second scene as he is being the star of a blockbuster movie. I totally respect that.

There were times when he questioned whether or not true success would ever happen for him, but he stayed focused and refused to quit. All he wanted to do was act. He had to do it. And so he did. No one can say that he is not one of the finest actors of all time. What impressed me most was his genuine gratitude for “making it” in the acting world and for remembering where he came from and how challenging it was to get to where he is today. 10 years is a long time to stick to something that is not paying the bills! It was fascinating to hear a real, unglorified success story, the way it actually happened.

We are bombarded by the media with overnight success stories. “Lose 10 pounds in 10 days and keep it off forever with no exercise!” Yeah, right! The truth is that there is no such thing as overnight success; it just seems like it. So keep on trying. Spread the word. Every person who knows about your product, service or business is one more voice who may tell someone else. The “right” someone else(s), who can bring you to a new level of success. Starting and running a business is like competing in a triathlon. It takes years of preparation and endurance. Most people don’t ever make it to the finish line, because it is always easier to quit than endure. Take your passion one tiny step at a time. Keep climbing no matter how much time it takes. Sooner or later, you’ll reach the top.