© 2009 by Debbie Glade, Smart Poodle Publishing. All rights reserved.

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While cruising the web, I came across this fascinating, but ultra sad story, about a mother of 5 and wife of a deployed soldier, who adopted a baby boy she was unable to bond with. (The story is from April, 2009.) She later terminated the adoption, and the baby was adopted by another family. She wrote a respectfully honest article about her experience. Read the story and some of the comments from readers here and then think about how you would answer these questions:

1. Why would a family with 5 children and a father who is often deployed want to adopt a special needs child?
2. Should a family with 5 children and a father who is often deployed be allowed to adopt special needs child?
3. How long should it take for a baby with special needs to bond with a family? Or is it possible for a baby to never bond with a loving family?
4. Is there a “romantic” vision adoptive parents have of the child they are going to receive?  You know what I mean – the dream that a baby with challenges will make a 100% turn-around to become a perfect, beautiful, bright, thriving child?
5. Was it the mom’s inability to bond that affected the rest of the family’s ability to also do so?
6. Did this mom give up too early?
7. Was this simply about a mom who could not love this baby for reasons of her own, having nothing to do with the baby himself?
8. Can you imagine being in this mom’s shoes? What would you do?

One of my closest friends adopted her foster child when he was 9 years old. He is a  bright adorable 12 year old now, but still struggles in many ways. He has made so much progress, yet new challenges present themselves every day. I can objectively say my friend is the best, most patient, most consistent disciplining mother I have ever met. She should win a “Parent of the Year” award, if there were one.

I could never, ever do what my friend has done. I used to think the main reason is that I already have a biological child of my own with no behavior problems. My friend had no children of her own before adopting her son. But now I realize parenting is more about commitment and consistency rather than about how the child came into the world or whether the parent has biological children as well.

I admire and commend any parent who adopts a child and never considers giving up due to the hard work and challenges that are guaranteed to arise. I also respect the mom in the article for being honest about her experience with her adopted son. I am sure her story was not easy to share. I do believe she should never have adopted in the first place, due to already having such a large family and an absent husband. And although I initially do not agree with her decision to give that baby up, I have not been in her situation, and it would not be fair for me to judge her decision.

What do you think?

I have a cousin, living far from me, who is a young Mom. (I hear about her kids through another family member who sees her often.) The Mom has 4 small children. As soon as each child is old enough to sit up, the Mom sits him or her on the floor next to the laundry basket. They have fun together folding the clothes and putting them in the basket. Since kids love to be helpful, depending on their age, she’s got them helping her not only with laundry, but also setting the table, cleaning up the kitchen, putting groceries in the pantry, putting toys away, etc. She makes it all fun too, never forces it or overdoes it. There are no chore charts either. Her children never think helping out is a burden, because their Mom is positive about it and they started helping at such a young age.  They laugh a lot while they are “working” and have plenty of play time. The Mom has more time to spend having fun with them too, because chores are more efficiently completed for the entire family.

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The best part of all this is that these are the best behaved children on earth. They are kind, polite and happy. And just imagine what greatly confident, independent young adults they will be!

This is a far better method than most parents used when I was a child – making chores a miserably negative, forced activity with high stress levels and bad moods among all involved.

Start early. Make it fun. Keep it positive. Something for all of us parents to think about.

Through experience it has occurred to me that the younger generation is behind the Baby Boomer’s generation when it comes to manners and work ethic. Yes, there are overachievers and drones in every age group as well as those with impeccable manners and those who are greatly lacking in etiquette. But as a children’s book author meeting many children and as a parent of a teenager with friends who come over (clarification – my daughter is grateful, motivated and hard-working and we are not strict), I have noticed that “pleases” and thank-yous” are so rare among other kids that I am totally impressed and grateful when I receive them. There’s something fundamentally wrong with that, isn’t there? If I failed to say thank you or please as a child, my Mom would have lectured me for an hour about manners. And then she would have relectured me the next day. Thank God.

Other observations have to do motivation and work ethic, pure and simple. I have numerous successful friends with kids who have graduated from high school or college and really do not take the initiative to do anything with their lives. No plan, no job, no drive. They are nice kids, but seem to have no ambition, no passion for anything. In Florida there are many teens who do not bother to get their driver’s licenses. Huh, you say? This is not because their parents do not let them or because they do not have a car to use to practice driving. It’s because they are lazy and do not want to bother studying for the test. I cannot think of a single person my age I know who did not get his license the day he turned 16.

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I pose these questions:

1. Does the Baby Boomer generation expect less from their kids than the Baby Boomers’ parents expected from them?
2. Does the increase in cost and quantity of gifts given to kids spoil them by making them think money is easy to come by?
3. What can we do as parents to make sure our kids have the manners, motivation and a work ethic that will ensure a successful, independent future for them?

Here’s what I know:

1. A child’s manners are learned from her parents and should be taught, with kindness, from birth.
2. Children learn by example. If you say please and thank you and write thank-you notes, so will your kids.
3. Motivation comes from within. If kids are handed too many material things and tasks are completed for them, they will not be motivated.
4. Motivation also depends a great deal upon self confidence. A child who is constantly criticized, belittled or scolded will often lack motivation due to fear of failure.
5. Following through with tasks has to do with all three – manners, motivation and work ethic. Returning phone calls, emails, making good on promises and simply finishing what has been started are required for success in work and in life. Kids who not only observe their parents following through, but are also respectfully expected (by their parents) to follow through will be more successful in life.
6. Children learn the value of hard work through reward. They need incentive to put forth an effort. But they should not be rewarded when they do not take action.
7. Kids do not enjoy hearing hardship stories about the days of ol’ in your life, your parents’ or grandparents’ lives. It does not generally motivate, them nor can they relate to them.
8. It is natural for parents to want to give their kids a better life than what they had, but too much is too much. Spoiled children grow up to be unhappy, unproductive adults.

Manners, Motivation, Work Ethic – Does Your Child Have Them?

Do you?

No parent is a perfect parent including moi. We all make mistakes, even though we mean well.  As a children’s book author, I am around families quite often. As you may know, I am quite observant and tend to pay close attention to what is going on around me – especially in public places. I have seen the good, the not so good, the bad and the completely shocking. I thought it would be interesting to list what I believe are the top 5 BEST parenting practices.

Communication – A good parent not only listens but also provides an environment conducive to open dialogue. You want your child to be able to tell you what’s on her mind. As a parent, you also want to be honest with your kids, and speak to them in a way that is NOT patronizing. There are some things you may not want to discuss with your kids, but a good parent is aware when a child can sense that something is wrong. Kids need information when they are concerned, and a good parent will give it to them.

Respect - Your child will respect you if you respect him. A respectful parent disciplines with love and does not embarrass her children in public places. I personally do not believe in hitting children for any reason EVER. If you hit them, spank them, etc you should expect and accept that they will do the same to others. The children I have known who have been spanked on a regular basis, have the worst ongoing behavior. I am also not a fan of yelling – unless, of course, the house is on fire.

Criticism - No one likes to be disparaged, and it is not productive. A good parent knows this, and will correct a child’s negative behavior with loving discipline. Your child will not feel secure growing up in a critical environment, where the child feels he can rarely do anything right. Many parents who criticize their children, were criticized themselves as children (and hated it).

Setting an Example – A good parent teaches her kids about what is right and wrong through dialogue, but takes it a step further by setting a good example. A good parent is kind to others and demonstrates a proper moral code. If you don’t want your teen to drive like a maniac, you shouldn’t drive like one either. If you’d prefer not to have a cheater as a child, don’t be one yourself. A parent cannot expect his kids to stay away from smoking and other unhealthy behaviors if that parent practices those behaviors himself.

Discipline – By FAR the best parenting practice is following through with discipline.  If your child does not behave or fails to follow expected rules, and you have laid out the consequences, by all means you must follow through. Failing on a parent’s part to follow through with disciplining his child, creates a spoiled, disrespectful kid. Later that child will become a miserable adult who must always get his way. Kids need boundaries, and good parents set them.

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“The greatest gift I ever had came from God, and I call him Dad!” – Anonymous

“Noble fathers have noble children.” – Euripedes

“Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!”  -  Lydia M. Child

“Watching your husband become a father is really sexy and wonderful” – Cindy Crawford

“Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.” – Ruth E. Renkel

“If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.” – James Baldwin

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.” – Shakespeare

“Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a Dad.” – Proverb

“We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow. Our wiser sons, no doubt will think us so.”- Alexander Pope

“One father is more than a hundred school masters.” -George Herbert

“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.”- Sigmund Freud

One not so famous quote

“The best dads are those who don’t say they are ‘baby sitting’ when their wives are away.” – Debbie Glade

Happy Fathers Day!

Smart Poodle loves kids, and kids love to go to summer camp. Parents always have so many questions about camp, and there’s no better place to get the answers than from the experts at one of America’s best-loved summer camps – French Woods. Today we are interviewing Camp Staff Director Beth Schaefer and her husband, Marketing Director Michael Knauf, also head of the Video, Computer, and Visual Arts Departments. 

French Woods is an extraordinary performing arts camp for kids ages 7 to 17. It is located in beautiful Hancock , NY, with an office in Coral Springs, FL.

A bird’s-eye view of the sprawling acreage of French Woods Camp

Many parents are apprehensive about sending their children to sleep-away camp. What advice do you have for them?

(Beth) Leaving home for the first time can be difficult. Whether you are seven and heading away to summer camp or if you are eighteen and heading off to college. Personally, having grown up at my Dad’s summer camp and never truly learning to be on my own, I was terrified to leave home for school and put off truly heading out on my own until I was over twenty one! I would want my own child to have the confidence to learn that self-reliance at in a safe environment like a summer camp. The earlier you start, the easier it can be!

(Michael) The biggest problems we have with kids making the adjustment to being away from home, comes from the parents, not the children. To make it easiest for your child, talk to the camp staff for advice before they come to camp, and work with them to help your child have a successful experience. The kids have a support network built into camp, the parents do not — don’t let the fact that you miss your child make it harder on them to make the adjustment.

Camp Staff Director, Beth Schaefer, enjoying horseback riding

What is important for parents to consider when choosing a camp?

(Beth) Families look at different things when choosing a program. Some look for a traditional or religious camp, while others look for specialty programs. Many specialty camps are fairly pinpointed in nature, offering only one type of program. Make certain that the program your child is looking at offers enough diversity to keep your child’s interest during the duration of their stay while focusing on the lessons you wish to teach.

(Michael) Consider your child’s interests first. If they hate sports, sending them to a baseball camp may not be good for them. One camp can be very different than the next in the programs offered, the general atmosphere, and the amount of flexibility they offer each child. Some kids will do very well in a traditional program, some will do better in a specialty program, and some will do best in a program like French Woods, which offers individual choice. I highly recommend visiting the camp while it is in session, to get a feel for the place.

Is there a way for parents to accurately check out a camp’s reputation so they can feel comfortable that their kids are in good hands?

(Beth) The primary camping association is the American Camping Association. This nation wide organization requires camps to adhere to strict standards of procedures, policies and practices. Visit the camp while in session and speak to the director. Perhaps the most valuable tool, however, is to speak to a family who has been to the camp and discuss their experience.

(Michael)

You can also use internet opinion sites like epinions.com or campratingz.com, but like everything on the internet, these sites are often abused… if you ignore the best and worst ratings, you’ll likely get a pretty fair impression.

What do you do to appease homesick campers?

(Beth)At French Woods, we know that every child experiences home sickness in their own way and we try to give them the special attention they need to be successful during their summer at camp.

(Michael) As a basic philosophy, we think that it’s much better for a child to make it through the summer, rather than to give up after a little difficulty. To support that we will do anything required to help a child through homesickness. It is important to realize that it is very normal and happens to nearly every child to some degree or another. We find that the best response to homesickness is to give the child extra attention and to keep them busy, something that we can do very well at French Woods because of our high counselor-to-camper ratio and our wide range of activities.

When camp is not in session, husband and wife team, Michael and Beth travel the globe recruiting camp staff members (Lima, Peru)

When should I start thinking about registering for French Woods?

(Beth)The best time to register for camp is prior to September 15^th so that you can benefit from our early registration discounts. Our middle two sessions begin to close around January and the first and fourth follow suit shortly thereafter.

(Michael) You should start thinking about camp in general for your child when you think they would benefit from it, for some children that’s as early as 7 years old, for some it’s later. The benefits of camp include developing individuality and independence.

How many campers do you have at French Woods?

(Beth) Depends on the session – session one is deliberately kept small at about 250 campers. Sessions two through four run at up to 650 campers.

(Michael) That makes French Woods a large camp, but there are benefits to size, among them a very rich program offering and a great diversity of campers and staff.

Spacious cabins at French Woods

How many counselors do you have?

(Beth) Our full staff will run at over 400 and each cabin is made up of 10-12 campers with a minimum of 3 counselors.

(Michael) French Woods is unique in that almost all of our counselors are qualified to teach in a specialty area, so the cabin counselors may be musicians, or coaches, or artists. We find that this encourages kids to try new activities that they might not otherwise be exposed to. It also allows us to attract terrific staff, because they also are at camp to do the things they love, their enthusiasm spills over to the kids, too.

Where do the staff members come from?

(Beth) We have staff from all over the world. We look for college students who are studying within their area of specialty and for teachers and professionals who function as senior teachers and counselors.

(Michael) Last summer we had counselors and campers from more than 46 countries.

What types of concentrations do you offer for campers?

(Beth) While French Woods is known for our arts programs in theater, music, dance, circus and visual arts, our individual choice program also offers magic, waterfront, sports, horseback riding and skate park. Every child at camp is welcome to participate in all areas of program regardless of their primary concentration.

(Michael) Our program is unique; each camper works with our staff to design their own individual program, made up from the more than 90 activities we offer. Kids that are serious about dance, can take dance classes all day long, kids that are mad for theater can spend all their time doing theater. We have kids that focus on one area of activity, and kids that dabble in a wide variety of different activities; it all depends on the child. We even allow the parents to have input on the process, and to suggest activities that we should encourage the child to try.

“We love camp! The camaraderie among the kids is awesome!” says Michael

Can you describe for us what putting on a full theater production at camp entails from audition to performance?

(Beth) Because children do not audition to be accepted to French Woods, they go through a placement process when they arrive at camp. Within theater, the kids do a basic audition for every show they are eligible for by age in a mass audition for the directors. They can sing something as simple as Happy Birthday or come with a prepared audition piece - we provide the accompanist. Dancers, musicians and kids interested in circus will go through a low pressure placement too.

Later in the day individual theater directors will ask kids they need to see again to return for a “call back” where they might sing or act from the show they are directing. That evening, the theater director meet cast all the shows. We make sure that each child is cast in the best roll available to them. Every child who auditions for a musical is cast in a show.

Shows rehearse for two to three hours each day for two and a half weeks. Musicals have rehearsals with full pit orchestras and the sets, costumes and props are prepared for each show. During our final weekend of each session, we invite parents and friends to come visit so they can see the final performances in each of our five theaters in repertory style. What the kids produce is incredible. Every summer I am impressed by the talent of the kids at camp.

(Michael) The theater department is supported by the music department, which provides orchestras for the musical theater productions – also made up of campers and staff, the costume department, the tech theater sound and lighting departments, the dance department (for choreography) the props department, and the stagecraft department, for sets. Campers are involved in every area and the support from every area helps the productions really come together and feel professional. There’s also opportunities for kids who don’t want to be on stage: to design costumes, to run sound and lighting boards, to move set pieces, or to play music for the shows.

That sounds like a lot of fun! It sounds like you have many talented campers and counselors. Do you have campers who return year after year?

(Beth) Of course! We also have kids who find us late in their teens who many times stay on as counselors.

French Woods production of the musical, Chicago

It must be sad when they are too old to return as campers.

(Michael) It is, but a surprising number stay in touch, and seeing kids build on the foundations they start at French Woods is very rewarding… this year, Beth and I have seen 8 or 10 current and former campers on Broadway, and that doesn’t mention the ones that go on to be fashion designers, or rock stars, or teachers, or writers…

What is your favorite part of being in camp yourself?

(Beth) The joy. Whether that it is the moment the kids see their friends who they haven’t seen since last summer, the thunderous applause of opening night, or watching a child discover that they are truly good at something, camp is about kids finding their joy; Helping kids do that is why we do what we do.

(Michael) Seeing the way the kids support one another. The camaraderie is awesome.

Beth and Michael, thank you for all this great insight. You have made summer camp sound like such an enriching experience for our children, and you have helped to ease parents apprehension. I wish I were a kid again!

To learn more about French Woods Camp, click here. Or call 845-887-5600.

A great place to start is by watching the video. The website is spectacular, and once you read about the extensive activites available to please every camper, you’ll understand why so many children return again and again, year after year.

Motherhood is by far the biggest privilege I have ever had. Yesterday – Mother’s Day – got me thinking about what kind of mom and person I am. There’s some good in there, but there’s always room for improvement.

Me and Rachel

I have always believed that life’s best lessons are learned by both the good and not so wonderful traits of those in our lives along with the positive and negative experiences we have. Sometimes the best way to improve ourselves is to reflect upon the mistakes our parents (or others important to us in our lives) made with us, even though their intentions were good. That way we can be sure (negative) history will not repeat itself.

The same is true for positive traits. We look to our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles as teachers and role models. We can choose to practice in our own lives, the traits we respect about each of them – especially if we take the time to make a conscious effort.

When I visit schools, I tell middle school students that everyone from every background will experience challenges and hardships in their lives. It is easy to blame our parents, other family members or unfortunate events for our personal failures. But what does that accomplish?  We are in control of our actions and thoughts. Though we do not always realize it, on our own we can choose to be giving or selfish, kind or cruel, complimentary or critical, motivated or lazy, curious or indifferent, positive or negative, grateful or unappreciative and good humored or angry.

What positive traits of yours do you see in your children? What do you hope they’d do differently than you did? What choices have you made in your life that you’d like to change for your own personal growth?

It is cliché to say “No one is perfect,” but it’s important to remind ourselves of that. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating the good and working to improve the not-so-good in ourselves.  It will make us better parents and happier people.

Click here to check out my latest article on Self Growth.com.

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Tonia McAllister from All American Mommy is a Mega Mommy Blogger Powerhouse and a true inspiration. Like many other Mommy Bloggers, Tonia reviews products that benefit children and families. But Tonia has a unique mission. She supports companies that give back to their communities and is an advocate for charities. We all admire that!

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Tonia has been kind enough to take the time to answer some interview questions. . .

Please describe your blog for us, and tell us about your readers.

All American Mommy is a blog that provides tips and advice for moms and women, along with product reviews and fun giveaways. It’s also a vehicle for sharing information on great charities and companies that help support them. I feel strongly compelled to help promote WAHMs (Work at Home Moms) and companies that support charities. After all, if we buy from these companies we are also helping the charities that they support. My readers are moms and women of all age groups. I have readers in the US, Canada and parts of Europe. Many of these women have become great friends of mine.

What attracted you to blogging in the first place?

Actually, there were many things. A good friend of mine had been blogging for over a year, and she was really enjoying it. I knew that I wanted to start a blog that could help benefit others. All American Mommy was born and I’ve been addicted to blogging ever since. Yes, I am an addict, and I don’t want an intervention! I am also hopeful that through my blog and networking, I may someday have the opportunity for a career in what I like doing best – helping others.

How long have you been doing this?

I started in September 2008 with my feet running before they even hit the ground.

What do you like best about blogging?

I have met some incredible women through the site, and I love sharing my opinions and things or products that I feel strongly about. I love being able to contribute positively considering that the rest of our world can be so negative.

What skills have you developed just from blogging?

One thing is for sure – my communication skills have vastly improved. I have always been a good communicator, especially when dealing with customers in my current and past jobs. But being exposed to the world via the web is different. You’ve got to be able to get your point across so everyone can understand and appreciate it. If not, you will not retain your readers. In addition to writing, I’ve learned more about the technical aspects of managing a blog than I ever thought possible. Networking is a skill in itself, and there’s no better way to meet talented, generous people than by blogging. There’s always so much more to learn, but it’s exciting.

Is All American Mommy a full time job for you?

Oh, how I wish it were! I work full time during the day and blog at night after my daughter, Haley, goes to bed and also on the weekends. Some nights I stay up way too late, because time just flies by so fast. Blogging has been a fun outlet and hobby but I’d love to have the time and resources to make my site so much more!

What type of work have you done prior to your website?

I was a business owner for 8 years. While I was in college (at nearly 30 years old) I provided accounting and bookkeeping services for small businesses as well as prepared taxes for individuals. I still do a few tax returns for clients who just can’t let me go. I love it! I currently work full time as an executive assistant.

I know you have a beautiful 7-year-old daughter. Do you think your blog has helped you become a better parent? How so?

It really has helped. I think that for me it’s the “journaling” part of blogging that has inspired me to be a better parent. It gives me the time and opportunity to reflect on how blessed I am. Blogging requires me to think about what would be best for my family and others. I enjoy sharing stories about Haley and our family with my readers as well as hearing about theirs.

What is it like reviewing all those products?

It’s awesome but can sometimes be overwhelming. I know…who would think that it would be overwhelming? I feel that I have an obligation to my readers to present them with products that are great for their families so I always have to keep that in mind. I also have an obligation to the companies to help them in any way that I can.

How did you get interested in charities?

My grandparents taught me many great values including the pure joy of giving. They always lived a modest lifestyle. Everything that they own has been immaculately cared for, and the only time they ever splurged on themselves was on vacations a few times per year. They have given so much to their church, the community, friends and family. They are so grateful for all they have, and they generously want to share with those in need. As a matter of fact, I remember many years ago when my grandfather retired. He didn’t know what to do with his time and missed work so much that he decided to go back to work for the business part time. He gave away every penny he earned, because he simply didn’t need the money. What I respect most is that with all of the years of giving I never once heard my grandparents boast or even hint about their generosity, nor have their deeds ever been advertised. They never wanted a pat on the back or any recognition, because they know the true blessing is in the giving. That’s what inspires me.

How are your grandparents doing now?

My grandfather has suffered from Alzheimer’s for nearly 11 years, and my grandmother has devoted her time to caring for him at home. They have nurses come in throughout the day to help. It breaks my heart that she has had to watch her husband deteriorate through the years, but she stands strong by his side and refuses to put him in a nursing home. She’s such a strong woman who is filled with dedication. She’s my hero!

How do you and your site support charities and charitable companies?

I try to give them as much exposure as possible on my site, such as extra ad space  (gift guides, side bar buttons, etc.) at no charge for an extended period of time. I have helped raise money for the Gal To Gal Foundation, which supports women with breast cancer, on my site but have not been approached by any other charities for fundraising. On All American Mommy you’ll find some gifts that “give back” or special promotional products where a percentage of the sales from an item goes to a particular charity.

Your commitment to help others really gives your blog a commendable purpose.

I’ve been able to experience the blessing of giving myself and it’s a wonderful feeling! My passion is to take what I’ve learned and use it to help others. Helping others and giving is just a part of my personality and the way I was raised. You don’t need money to give – give of yourself, give your time, think outside of yourself and you’ll feel great about doing it!

What are your requirements for supporting companies that support their communities?

None really. If they’re doing something great within the community I want to share it with the world!

I noticed that you have written about domestic violence on your website. What advice would you give to a woman who is currently experiencing the terror of domestic violence and does not know where to turn?

Get out now! Seek help wherever you can find it, and use the resources available to you. The internet is a great place to start! Seek the help of a friend or local organization that can get you into a safe living environment and help you get back on your feet. Check out this website for assistance.

Are there any other charities near and dear to your heart?

LOVE Inc. Churches get together and network as affiliates in a most inspiring outreach program. This organization is so willing to help those in need all over the US that they will not turn anyone away who seeks help. They also provide references for other services available within the community.

Since you have told us that blogging does not provide you with enough financial support to be a full time job, what would be your ideal career?

It has always been my passion to be part of something that is meaningful. I would love to work for a company or a charity that is doing something for the greater good of their community and helping people who really need it! Being a business owner in the past, I don’t want to work for a company that only cares about the bottom line. Helping others is what I enjoy doing most, and that’s where All America Mommy is leading me.

It is such a pleasure to see and hear about what moms all across America are doing to make the world a better place. Tonia, thank you so much for taking the time to share your mission with us. Any organization out there that has your support is so fortunate! And any moms reading this, who may be considering starting a blog, will certainly be inspired by the information you shared with us today.

Please visit Tonia’s website, All American Mommy, by clicking here. Tonia McAllister can be reach via email at allamericanmommy@gmail.com.